It’s come to be an expected thing…sorta like the “Terrible Twos”. Men will go a little crazy when they hit, say, 40 or 45. What is that about? First off, I don’t believe in the “Terrible Twos”…I think we have potential to be equally as terrible, regardless of age. It just so happens that toddlers are getting a feel for who they are and what their parameters are, so it is “understandable”. Because our society is sorely lacking in good parenting skills, we now have pre-teens who are still making this transition. We have thirty-somethings who are still very much adolescents. Yes, some of this is the product of Peter Pan syndrome…and a-musement encourages us to never grow up. Indulge. Play. “Make hay while the sun shines.”
I’ve been thinking, though. I wonder how we factor into this. What typifies the man in crisis? Sports cars? Trying to appear hip? Buying a Harley? Enjoying the attention of younger “chicks”? What this behavior says to me is that this is a man who is not content in his role. He is not fulfilled in being “just Dad”, “dear husband”, “trustworthy employee”. Where’s the sizzle in that?
I’ll tell you where. It comes from you, dear heart. How do you speak about him to your kids? Your friends? Do you honor him? Does he know it? When he makes some achievement at work, how do you respond? Do you praise him when he takes the kids for a day out? Do you thank him for replacing the busted-out screen in the side door? When he brings you flowers, or sends a card (or ecard), do you give a ho-hum reaction? If so, shame on you. Your husband needs affirmation, encouragement, vision, motivation. You help him attain his goals by showing support and appreciation. By learning him, and growing with him.
I hear you. You are asking, “Well, what about me? Don’t I deserve some credit, affirmation and appreciation too?” Okay, first you need to determine why you are doing what you are doing. If you married for what you can get out of it (or, exponentially worse–to “change him”), you’ll be disappointed often. If you tied the knot to have a 50/50 partnership…it will fail. Only when you view matrimony as a 100% commitment can you give when you do not get. That’s agape. That’s Christ’s love for you, after which you model your love for others. He is the Source and supplier. When you give like this, you may get back…maybe not. This is what is well-pleasing to your Father. If your husband does not give like this, then set an example. Pray for him to be in the Word, so he is reminded of his unworthiness and bankruptcy before God. Ask for him to have all the joy and satisfaction that his identity in Christ should afford. Look for opportunities to continually bolster his confidence by showing your confidence in him. Convey by your actions, reactions, facial expressions and speech that he is “all that”. I believe numerous men go looking among the “young chicks” for what modern psychology calls an “ego boost” because they are not getting it at home. Dish out some heapin’ helpin’s. Help him to realize that it is very cool to be a great Dad. It is gratifying and applaudable to do a solid day’s work. And that he’s not only comfortable and stable…but also that it is exciting and intoxicating for you to be married to him. 
If you’d like a way to encourage your husband, you might consider the “30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge” from Revive Our Hearts. If you happen to be a husband, wanting to encourage your dear wife, I also found a “30-Day Wife Encouragement Challenge” here.
If there have been issues with sexual sin involved in your situation, you may want to look at a recent post entitled “Responding Correctly to Your Husband’s Sexual Temptations”…click here.
For some helpful resources on this topic, click here. For another follow-up post entitled “The Roots of Mid-Life Crisis” (with advice from biblical counselor Debi Pryde), click here.
Diane – while I hear what you are saying – it is an oversimplification. There are men whose wives honor and build them up, and have done so for years, who still have mid-life crises. That crisis cannot always be averted by the action of the spouse. The man sometimes goes “through it” by his own decisions and doing.
Ann, thanks for pointing this out to me. I can see how you would conclude this with the two words I used to end the post; however this was not my intent. As the title implies, I was pointing out how wives can “add fuel to the fire” and then contrasting it with how they might instead have a positive influence. I agree, ultimately this is the husband’s battle, and never is it “simple.” I think most Christian wives understand what it is to pray as I have mentioned (“crisis” or not) for the mighty working of the Spirit of God while we do what we can on the horizontal level. Thanks for the comment. I plan to amend my text.
Diane,
I’ve witnessed a few men go through “the crisis” and I felt like, in both cases, it was more work-related rather than family-related. In their jobs, they were seeing younger men come in and get promotions and accolades, while they felt washed-up and like they had nothing to offer anymore. In each case, I think the men had, basically, given their lives to their careers, even sacrificing other things, and they felt a little lost as they began to feel unneeded.
I agree with you, though: A crabby wife could really add to a man’s feelings of worthlessness, and a loving, supportive wife could really bolster a man who is otherwise feeling defeated.
Hi Addy,
I would go so far as to say that most of this is work-related. I don’t think women ever really “get” how important work is for a man, and how much of his fulfillment is derived from it. All the more reason to make home a real haven. I can’t do much except pray about Patrick’s work environment, but I can definitely try my best to make sure that home is a great place to be. My husband has had some really tough days when he has come in the door, held me, and said, “This has been the only good thing about this day.”
As far as feeling lost and unneeded–that sounds a bit like “empty nest syndrome”, doesn’t it? Is that mid-life crisis for moms?
In both cases, to derive one’s identity and sense of completeness entirely from one thing (job/kids) will, I think, result in feelings of worthlessness. God intends for our scope to be broader than this. Perhaps preparing for retirement (whatever that means–my husband says it means “being tired…all over again” 
) is a bit more than only being financially secure. That’s worth thinking about.
I need everyones prayers. I feel like crying. My husband is in a full blown mid life crisis. I do not know what to do. Sometimes the pain is so great. If anyone has any suggestions from experience, please let me know. How long does a mid life crisis last?
Josephine,
Is your husband a believer? I will pray tonight for the two of you. If you prefer, you may use the email form on this blog (use the tab in the side bar) to reply if you’d like to discuss this more privately. I am certain there is no uniform “length” for this type of struggle. It depends upon the man, his battles, his resources, and, of course, the depth of his walk with the Lord. I will pray for you, that God would strengthen and uphold you so that you can be the support you need to be for your husband. Are you regularly in the Word of God yourself? This is so crucial for you. -Do you have a good church and/or some solid Christian friends who can help you (I mean mature enough to offer good biblical counsel)?
hi ,ive been married for almost 24 yrs and im pretty sure that my husband is in a full blown midlife crisis.Im a believer in God and i prayed a lot so i could survive this.i even finished the book the power of a praying wife.Its just such a lonely world for me because i considered my husband my bestfriend but now i could hardly recognize him because of his behaviours.Im still lucky though because my hub is still faithful,but his continous innocent flirtation with girls is killing me.he assured me that he wont make any move that will destroy our family he loves me so much.But i still cant understand why he enjoys flirting with girls in social sites…and told me that ive accept that because that makes him happy but he will never go overboard…how do i become insensitive and more open minded pls help me?
Coleen, Is your husband a believer? Those who have new life in Christ are to be driven by His love, which enables us to selflessly live for others:
“For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” 2 Cor 5:14,15
Do you have a godly man (pastor, friend, family member) who could speak with your husband frankly about this? Biblically, he ought to be loving his wife (Eph 5), not leaning upon his own understanding (Prov 3:5,6) or yielding to his weaknesses. It is apparent that he is aware of what he is doing, and that it is hurtful to you. This is an obedience issue (to love his wife) and, as my husband has pointed out, also a contentment issue. We are never encouraged in scripture to trust our fleshly impulses, however “innocent” we may think they are. Your sensitivity is correct…you should not be dismissing it or attempting to become “open-minded” about it.
My husband is having a mid-life crisis. He hangs out with birds of the same feather….who like to over-indulge in alcohol, smoke, and frequent strip clubs. He had an affair over a year ago and while trying to work on the marriage, he still wants to keep his personal life private from me. He blames me for just about everything that goes wrong is his life. He does not have a sense of balance with work, demanding parents, etc. All of that negativity spills over into our marriage. He has many good qualities which makes me want to make it work but at the same time I worry for me and my 3 children. He does not believe in religion and avoids people who would disagree with his desire for a seedy lifestyle….myself included. I pray for him daily but I am upset for the kind of role model that he has become for my sons. And as for my daughter….I do not want her to think it is okay to work things out with a man who clearly has no respect for himself and me. Yet I am torn because I believe that marriage is forever and “weathering storms” in a marriage can strengthen a marriage, but not by myself.
I read what you wrote about making them feel good and giving praise for things that he does. I either email him, sent texts, or tell him directly to his face that I appreciate him. I pick up his favorite dessert, make special dinners, or try to make his life easier and now I faced with him blaming me for the reason why he stepped out of marriage and looked to someone else for comfort with his issues. This just doesn’t add up in my mind. Please help!!
Hi Laurie,
You have probably read through the discussion on this post, so you already have some things to consider. I will emphasize that in each of these situations it is crucial that you as a wife know Jesus as your Savior. I am not talking about religion. I am talking about agreeing with what the Bible says about us in our sin, repenting and trusting Christ as your Savior, going on in your Christian life to read the Word, believe it, love it and obey it. Without this, true agape love (that selfless love that comes only from God) is an impossibility. God’s perfect design is that a man and woman come before Him to exchange vows having already made this paramount in their lives. That is what gives the ability to keep the “for worse” part of “for better, or for worse.” And, even then, it will still be a challenge, as we fight against our selfish desires every day.
If you have trusted Christ as your Savior, then you understand how adept human beings are at blameshifting…how proficient we are at compromising, excusing, and outright dismissing the reality of our own weakness and sinfulness. Someone who has not been born again will naturally not seek the company of those who love truth and holiness. They will desire to hang out with others who do not remind them of their guilt, but rather help them to justify their behavior. What’s more, I am not surprised that your husband is pointing his finger at you. His understanding is skewed by the father of lies. It sounds like you are making an attempt to walk blameless before him and not provide any “ammunition” with which he might actually be able to justify his words. This is exhausting work…to continue on, being unjustly accused, loving without perhaps feeling loved, giving with little or no return…or worse. But remember (and I don’t say this tritely, please know) that this is what our Savior understands best. This last sentence describes His life’s work. He knows. Do you have some godly women around you to support you? Are you in a good, gospel preaching church? Will he allow you to go? Has he ever gone with you? Has your pastor or anyone from the church ever tried to visit with him? Do you take your kids? Your kids need this…they need the Savior, and they need to understand that fidelity to Him is more important than any earthly reward. Your husband needs to see this too. He needs to see that when you are patient, when you are selfless, when you are compassionate, when you do not lash out…He is the reason.
When there is a marriage bond between a believer and an unbeliever, it is very difficult to get things to “add up”. It is outside of God’s design, so it will obviously feel “out of whack”. Now that you find yourself in this situation, healing is His desire. Remain if you are safely able (1 Cor 7:16) so that he will have your godly influence, to which he may not be exposed any other way.
Very simply, sinners will behave like sinners. We should not be surprised at this, however unpleasant or heartbreaking the results. Your husband needs the Lord. He needs his life to be redefined in terms of the Cross. Until then, any clean up on the outside in the form of marital fidelity, sobriety, etc. will not have the Anchor it requires, and it will be prone to failure.
Praying for you.
[...] looking for information, resources and encouragement regarding mid-life crisis, as a result of this original post concerning how wives can help their husbands through the considerations of [...]
Diane,
The book Men in Midlife Crisis talks about the midlife crisis lasting from 3-5 years. The crisis, as a general rule, has five stages: denial, anger, replay, depression, and withdrawal. A true midlife crisis can cause extreme pain for the man and his wife as she is the one who is usually blamed for everything. Because my husband is going through this right now, I have done a great deal of research on midlife crisis, including talking to Dr. Jim Conway, author of the book mentioned above. At one point in the book he mentions that a man in midlife crisis may have one or more affairs. My husband is a Christian, but I have seen the very core of his being rocked. He is miserable over the grief he has caused his family, but this grief is not extended to reuniting with me at the present. The one piece of advice I have seen over and over again is that if the wife can hold on, the marriage can many times be saved.
With that in mind, I would like those who are not experiencing this roller coaster ride, to try and think what it would be like to watch your Christian husband have an affair or a series of affairs, move out, begin to spend money unwisely, and drink to forget his problems. This is a very real problem. Pat answers are not enough. Women (and their husbands) who are facing this need incredible prayer support. One of the things that helps me is when friends ask me to do things with them. If anyone knows of more Christian resources regarding midlife crisis, please let me and the thousands of other women facing this problem know of them. In the meantime, please pray for us.
Therresse,
Thanks for your input. As I said in an earlier reply, I don’t know that we can really impose time constraints on this. It is very fluid, depending upon the man, his issues, his resources, and his spiritual walk. For some, it never reaches the degree that you are currently experiencing. For others, it may reach even greater depths of self-destructive behavior, with numerous casualties in the wake. This is why I think it is paramount for wives in this situation to be nurtured and embraced. When a man reaches this kind of despair, he has nothing to give, and it is very difficult to give back without feeling exhausted and depleted unless your strength comes from outside yourself. A good church, supportive, godly friends and family, good resources…all are so necessary. Click here for some strengthening resources for women.
The items I have made available are the best I’ve come across on the web thus far, and this was after some considerable picking and choosing. If anyone knows of anything else that is soundly, biblically based, I’m all ears. I’ve just been reminded of another possible resource, so please stop back by. I will pray right now for you and your husband.
I really like this information. I have printed the 30-day challenge and hope/pray in helps.
Is there a daily inspiration and/or blogg to join?
There are many resources that can be found at http://www.reviveourhearts.com . They have a blog and daily broadcasts that can be linked to there. Enjoy.